anu(e)scape

I'm not addicted. I could stop whenever I want.

:-)

The good thing is that you know the signs and ack the addiction.

The next logical step is to take the long and risk-ridden path to Mount Doom and cast it back to whence it came from. For the ring has strange and wicked powers. Tempting with the power to do good, it enslaves brave men in its evil web. Everyday its power grows, assembling a vast army of servers, networks, and orcs who support them.

So, after you read this, turn off the computer and go say hello to real people in the real world!

Cheers!!

Yo. Like Erik said. I can quit anytime ;-)

can someone plz tell me how much of computer time on day would be addiction??? i use it about 2 hours per day, and about 5 on the weekends. my family sais i am addicted. i mean wtf??? i am going to college and have top grades + i go out with my friends almost every day. and btw these symptoms are stupid. they could mean anything. for example my mom cant stop nagging me to stop uing my computer. it came to that point that i promised i wont play the computer on weekdays. i broke it. why should i limit my fun just because someone's not ok with it. the second symptom is ok. it means one thing. the other 2 are TO general. for example i come home and i decide to finnish my web page ( or a project) today. and then someone deny's my right to do so with no logical reason whatsoever. of course i am gonna be mad about it. the last symptom is to general too. i have Chrone's disease. so when i need to go for my monthly check i need to starve for 2 days. playing the computer helps me not to think of food so i can endure. well thats mky 2 cents on that. sorry for my slappy english.

If you weren't worried about it, you wouldn't be writing this. I am pretty sure most people would excuse you from computer addiction w/your current condition & due to the fact that you do engage in other activities in your life. Now Anupriyo...he's a different story. He's a hard case. He's been through rehab so many times, we think he may be hopeless. ;) Just look at Anu, our poster child for computer addiction, and thank God you are not him. - :-D

my beat friend is addicted to the computer and it is really getting bad she dont ever leave the hout or anything and when she does she dont hve to worry about it cause she now has messenger on her phone?can someone help me help her?if you can will you please email me thank you alot

My husband cannot walk by the computer without stopping to get on for a few. He loses track of time, and doesn't watch the kids while i'm at work. Of course i'm imagining all this. If I mention this it just starts a fight, He'll di better for about a week, two at the most, then back to normal. I have caught him doing personal ads and looking at porn. He always says he'll stop, but he can't. Help, what can I do to help him realize he has a problem?

I'M ADDICTED !! WHO WILL HELP ME???

I'm sorry ART...no one can help you now.

Shut up you ugly bitches

you can get counciling for computer addiction now...

you have to limit your time every night to one hour and NEVER go over that...

My story of computer addiction

About 8 months ago I started posting on message boards during the day while my husband was at work. Even though I had some pretty unpleasant experiences at first with people who wanted to fight with me (I was on a true crime site), and at times my heart would pound so hard that I thought I was going to have a heart attack, I found it all too exciting to give up--and I wish I had, back then, when it was just a small addiction instead of the big one that it became. For 6 months I posted on various message boards--on every one of them, I would eventually perceive some sort of mental illness in the people who were regulars-on the first active board I participated in (I had started out on a “dead” board that still had a few posters), there was a very rude and insulting woman who would beat up on the other women there almost every night-and incredibly, they had all gotten so used to her that they thought she was a good person, even though she was really hurting someone most of the time-she was like an abusive boyfriend to them all. That was weird, so I left that site (because eventually she got around to abusing me). Then I made friends with a female Reverend, who I had what initially seemed like a lovely relationship with--then I discovered her posts from a previous evening and saw that she had been fighting with other Christians about points in the Bible-then I dug deeper and saw that she was doing this almost nightly until 2 or 3 a.m.-these people would sabotage each other’s sites in the daytime by trying to run off posters, the innocent people who weren’t involved in the nightly fighting--it was like a religious war. She eventually found out that she and I had different political views, so she began to insult me in her posts until I left her site. Then I went to a feminist site-the women there posted things about current events and politics in the daytime, but occasionally at night would gang up on various individual men who would only come on to the site to be beaten up, it seemed-they would rank the men down, as a group, for hours-one night it went on non-stop from 6 to 11-it was truly sickening--he was obviously a hard-core masochist, and would only say something like “You’re not really hurting me” every so often, to keep the insults coming-I kept wondering what on earth these women thought this poor guy was doing to deserve this. The women were merciless with him-they did their best to humiliate him in every way they could possibly think of--saying things that were just downright cruel-it was like watching a gang beating, or even a rape. The first time I saw that this had happened the night before (I then dug a little deeper and found out it was happening at least twice a week), I left the site. Then I went on a nice site that was just for general friendly chat-I now wish I had stayed there, in a way, but I was frightened off by hearing about what was happening to two of the women I had befriended there-they were being harassed by a “gang” consisting of a man and two women who had followed them there from another site-it was vicious, what these people were saying to both of these women in private messages--they had all met on a low-carb forum-who would guess that posting on such an innocuous-sounding site would lead to something like this? The woman who was hosting the site that all these people were now on wouldn’t ban these thugs from her site--even though she was supposedly very good friends with the two women who were being harassed-they had showed her all the hateful things these people were saying to them in the personal messages—even on the board they were starting to push them around and intimidate them, too. The craziest thing about all of this was that the women themselves (the victims) were behaving as if it was completely beyond their power to leave, like they were helplessly trapped there (I now realize this is because they were so badly addicted)-I thought this was really scary, so I left that site. I knew that I needed to put all this message board activity behind me when I saw this-but my trip into hell wasn’t over just yet. I tried to stay off the message boards for three days, and succeeded-but then on the fourth day, I felt such a compulsion to get online it was beyond my ability to resist-I told myself I would only lurk, and after about an hour I logged off, but then I couldn’t concentrate on anything I was doing (I was distracted and upset), so I logged back on, again intending to only lurk. Another hour went by, and I logged off, still managing to keep my promise to myself not to do any posting, and again, afterwards, I couldn’t focus on anything I was doing-I tried to clean, and got frustrated right away--I just couldn’t stand the way I felt, I had no peace. So I logged on one more time-this time I ended up posting on a site where men complain about women (and of course, I felt fine as soon as I posted and had no trouble going back to my housework)-I’ve had so many bad experiences with women throughout my life (long story), as well as online, that I was looking for like-minded people-and boy, what a mistake that was. I know it sounds like the stupidest thing a woman could do, to start posting on a site like this, but I saw that there were two other women posting there regularly, so I figured it would be ok for me to post as well. I posted something about being fed up with women, too, which got me accepted immediately by the guys who wanted to hear stuff like this from a woman-and I made sure that I told them right up front that I was a happily married housewife. The next day I posted again, and this is when I “met” Mr. X--someone had cut-and-pasted something he had written from his site, and had used it to start the thread that I had been posting on. He showed up to take credit for it, and started talking to me, as well as to other people there-it was like we both showed up on the site at almost the same time-I remember thinking that there was something “special” about this later-like this meant that we must have been destined to meet there. He had some very strong opinions about women, most of which I didn’t agree with, but he was so incredibly articulate-I have since realized that almost anyone can become a good writer by posting constantly-you don’t need a degree to sound like you have one. I was not only very impressed with him intellectually, but really flattered that he actually wanted to talk to me, a housewife with only a GED--I got high off of his attention towards me almost instantly. He had such a negative opinion about women in general, that I went out of my way to try to impress him with my wifely virtues-I bragged about my husband, and also about what a wonderfully servile wife I was to him (my husband deserves this sort of devotion, by the way-he treats me in a similar manner)-and all of it was true, at this point-but it didn’t take long for me to be speaking in the past tense about my life, because I was rapidly falling for this man I didn’t even know (who I was now imagining could be a professor or an author-somebody “important”). Soon, I was gearing all my posts towards getting his attention and approval—but then suddenly one day, he stopped responding to anything that I posted--I felt like he had deliberately snubbed me, so I flew off the handle and private messaged him a very insulting letter-I can’t even repeat here what it said-it was full of cursing and put-downs (I’m an emotionally excitable person), but with one little “hook” in it for him-I admitted, subtly, that I had a crush on him, and that he had ruined it by being so mean (which would have been great if it had been the truth). I wasn’t just upset about being snubbed by him, I was also really hurt by what he had posted the night before to some of the other men on the board-awful stuff about women-downright hateful--like that he wouldn’t put a woman out if she were on fire. I got into bed after sending it to him, and hugged my pillow and cried like a little kid for 45 minutes-but then, gradually, I stopped crying and started to think of all the hateful things he was probably going to say to me, now, after reading my post-after about ten minutes of this I just about ran back to the computer to apologize, hoping that he hadn’t read it yet--I wanted to take it all back before he slammed me. I was surprised to see that he had already answered me-he calmly told me he didn’t see me any differently, in spite of what I had said (he still basically liked me), and admitted, in a fairly long post, that he was a mean guy--and even though it sounded like he was an immovable rock that couldn’t be persuaded to approve even the slightest bit of almost any woman, he also put a little hook in there-he said “I don’t understand what you mean by this”, referring to my mentioning that he had ruined my crush on him. This is how we started talking to each other privately, and even though no one can be absolutely certain what another person really intends by any given action, I think he was so oddly calm about my flaming post because he was just pleased with the fact that we had now moved our conversation to where it would be private, without the rest of the board listening in. For all I know, he’s done this before, and knew I would get angry if he stopped talking to me at this point, and be somewhat likely to attack him privately--I should have realized that he was too accepting of my abuse and that there was something fishy about his reaction, but I was simply grateful that he wasn’t mad at me, and still seemed to like me. At this time my life at home, in the real world, was taking a tremendous nosedive-I had stopped bathing for 9 days straight, and it wasn’t until my husband said before going to work, “You better take a bath today” that I bothered to look in the mirror and see how bad it was (I’ve never gone more than a few days without bathing in my life). I also had a greatly diminished appetite, and over a 3 week period lost 13 lbs.-I’ve never lost weight that fast before, even when I dieted as hard as I could. Also, I could only sleep for about a half an hour a night for the first week that I was on this site-it was so stimulating to be talking to all these men, and this guy in particular, that I was “posting” all night in my head as my husband slept beside me--I was literally losing my mind. I should have realized I was doing something really brainless (like risking my marriage) by talking to this guy, but I didn’t care--it was like there was nothing in me that put up any danger flags-at least none large enough for me to take any real notice of them. I told him right up front that I had a pretty bad crush on him-and that I had cried for 45 minutes over him-and I let him “decide” for the both of us if he thought we should talk privately, because I didn’t think I was being too rational at this point (at least I knew that much about what was really going on). He said he didn’t have any problem with it, so we started talking--I was extremely glad that he liked me, and was ecstatic every time he posted me-he knew it, too-I’m very transparent when I like someone, I get really gushy and overly-appreciative right away. I feel like there’s something that happens to almost everyone who gets heavily involved in message boards, where they regress back into an adolescent state of mind--it was as if I had completely lost my adult perspective (not that I’m all that mature or level-headed to begin with), and had gone back to being about 13 years old-the crush, the lack of concern about consequences, trying to get brownie points from someone I perceived as an important person--as well as not being able to see the big picture that I was probably just being played-this was who I had been in junior high. I can see now that my addiction to the message boards had made me feeble-minded enough so that I couldn’t see what was really happening by the time the insanity had shifted into high gear. He was so down on women, but at the same time so intelligent-sounding—I felt compelled to try to help him straighten out his head--like if I could just explain some things to him it would make a dramatic difference in how he saw things. He and I started talking about the relationship between men and women (he said he was single because women had always been very mean to him, but his stories about his past relationships sounded like he was either so dysfunctional himself or was choosing such crazy women to begin with that he couldn’t make it work out with anybody), which quickly led to us talking about sex--I tried to talk about other things with him, but he wouldn’t respond to anything else. For instance, I posted him a long description of my interests and hobbies, but he never made one comment about anything in it. This had the effect of steering me in the direction he actually wanted me to go--to talk about sex with him. I realized (eventually) that he already had the pictures (pornography), all he needed was the words-I was going to be a verbal sex partner for him. I was so childishly eager to please him and keep him talking to me, that when he said he was into porno and prostitutes (this was in a very round-about way-he said that women were trying to control men through limiting their access to these things in order to “control their sexuality”—huh???—like now there’s any real obstacles regarding either of them), I told him “no problem”--even though I have a pretty deep disgust for pornography, and barely tolerate the idea of prostitution—but I think I would have said almost anything to keep him talking to me-I was compromising my morals at a surprisingly fast rate. I posted him a fantasy one afternoon, and he was so excited by it that he quickly posted me back something that was barely understandable at one point. What I had written him wasn’t anything real dirty, thank God--because my husband happened to find it that day-I had forgotten to delete it—and he hit the ceiling. I was, I’m very ashamed to say, barely (if at all) sorry-I was so addicted to the whole mess, that even though I promised him that I would stop talking to this guy, I also immediately started trying to think of ways to continue to do so without getting caught. Looking back at what happened, I can’t believe I was this unconcerned with my real life--my marriage, my health-it was totally not like me to be this way-I try to eat health food, exercise (which I had stopped doing), and my husband is so wonderful--for the past 11 years, I’ve said over and over again (and truly meant) that I feel like I married the best guy on earth-the best looking, the best character, the most loving-that’s why it was so crazy for me to be risking everything just to keep talking to this guy-it was absolutely nuts. I continued to talk to him by starting an e-mail account that my husband didn’t know about, and that’s when our dialogue got even more explicit--within a day or two, he sprang his on me his “true feelings”, which were, of course (it seems obvious now, but it wasn’t then), completely and entirely sexual. I honestly thought that someone this intelligent would be above this, for some reason, and would want to know me for more than sexual stimulation--I have a history of over-estimating a lot of the people I get involved with. I was so gone over him emotionally at this point that I welcomed this overture from him, on the one hand--but also, at the same time, it was really depressing for some reason-I felt like he had me right where he wanted me--as if I was being held psychologically captive by him. I told him “Wait a minute-do you really love me or what? If you just want to ruin my marriage, I’m not interested”, but also asked him in the same post to come to where I live so we could meet in person and have an affair “if we like each other as much as we think we do”-and at this point I had no idea of: what he looked like, what he did for a living, what state he lived in, or anything else the least bit concrete (including his real first name, I bet!)-it was like getting molested by a couple of hands coming through the holes in a solid wood fence. He seemed to think this was all going to be just for fun-like we could indulge in this verbal sex on a daily basis and it would be merely a pleasant afternoon diversion for us both (and I admit that I stupidly agreed to this arrangement). I take sex seriously, and to me, telling someone that you would like to have sex with them, and then actually describing it, isn’t all that different than actually doing it--I felt like I was in a real relationship-it wasn’t just “recreational” to me at all. I was totally under the delusion that I could not only be happily married, but at the same time carrying on a long-term affair without any difficulty--I never pictured leaving my husband for this guy. This was the day my husband had a feeling that something was very wrong (he said he had a sinking feeling in his chest all day at work), and searched for and found what I had written on Word (I thought that once it was deleted, it was gone forever). I could see from where I was sitting that he had found it and had started reading it— I ran over to him and frantically begged him to stop-he shot up out of the chair and shouted “No!!!” in my face. My husband has never struck me (and has never gotten this angry with me, either), but he was close to it at this point--I’m extremely lucky it was the wall that suffered a fist-sized hole in it, and not me. He was so VERY badly hurt-I’ve never hurt him anywhere near this severely in all my 12 years of knowing him. I had ripped out his heart without ever meaning to--instantly--he was never supposed to read this “do you even love me/why don’t you come here so we can meet” post-that also had (I’m very ashamed to say) a pretty filthy description of what I wanted Mr. X to do with me at the end of it--it was excruciating to have my poor husband see this. On the one hand, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die, but on the other hand, by the time our conversation had gotten past the shouting stage, I was trying to convince him to let me have this guy “on the side”--I was so gone mentally that I actually thought that he might agree to this-and I even tried bribing him with “Isn’t there anyone you’d like to have sex with?”-- but there wasn’t. I went through absolute pure hell the first week I was off the computer (something my husband said was essential if I wanted to keep living with him), mostly from being separated from my fantasy lover and our highly exciting conversations, but also from not posting on message boards at all--I cried almost continually the first day--it was like a never-ending river of tears. The sadness was overwhelming (I’ve never cried that hard or that much over anything in my life), and continued for the next whole week-I cried for a while every day, and every 2 days or so I would break down and spend half the afternoon crying--I couldn’t help it. After one week, to the day, I had the most poignantly sad experience-we were driving around in the country, and for the first time in I don’t know how long, the pall of being so badly addicted finally lifted enough for me to be able to see the beauty of nature again--the grass waving in the fields, the birds flying-I told my husband how all this felt as I cried and choked out the words-I realized at this point that I had been dragged--mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, to hell--and was now actually starting to come back from it-it was cripplingly painful and strangely joyful all at the same time, and lasted about two hours. I only survived the pain of the first week by believing that I would go back as soon as my husband wasn’t keeping tabs on me-it was the only way I could stand it. Even though it got easier each week I was off the computer, it was frequently VERY depressing, heart-wrenching and tearful-and I still obsess about writing, as well as remembering what I posted and what other people posted me-I can remember a surprising amount of it practically word-for-word. Up until recently I wasn’t able to see my experience on the message boards, or with this man, in one consistent perspective-and although I am usually grateful that my husband stopped me before I did one more stupid thing, at times I think that I could have handled it (even though it’s pretty obvious that I couldn’t) and resent that he stopped me before I was finished having “fun” with it--as unbelievable as that sounds, considering how much I’ve suffered over it, and hurt my husband with it. I sincerely hope that I will have the strength to resist it in the long run-I actually asked my husband to accompany me to the library one day, after he said he trusted me to go there alone (they have computers there for public use)-but I told him that he ought to go with me--this was about 3 weeks after I got off the computer, and it was a big step for me--I was so proud of myself for not using this opportunity to go back to it. I have really suffered with all of this, WAY more than I would have EVER imagined-it was like cutting off my arm on some days to try to stay away from it--and I’ve been addicted to cigarettes, pot, bad people, but giving up all of those things was nothing in comparison to this. It’s a monster, and I’m still wrestling with it somewhat, but I believe I’m winning the fight. I also have come to the conclusion that my “friend” Mr. X is most likely a porno addict, and that this is why he didn’t care if he ruined my life (looking at that much “intimacy” makes someone feel little or no regard for relationships-like everything is just basically up for grabs). He said that he was depressed, couldn’t care about anyone (especially women) anymore, and he had an extreme dislike for feminism-- as well as the peculiar belief that women who say that they’ve been raped are usually lying (or exaggerating)--all of these things being symptoms of an addiction to pornography, which is what I found out from looking at a number pornography addiction sites. My husband has allowed me to go online as long as I stay completely away from message boards of any kind. The computer is taking a lot of people down in a variety of ways-and I think it’s tragic. Here are some of my observations about what I experienced:

1. It didn’t take long for me to become addicted to posting on message boards-as soon as someone responded to what I had written, I was so thrilled that I was instantly hooked--I’m sure it’s from a lifetime of emotional pain and having extremely low self-esteem. I felt like this gave me all the attention and approval that I could have ever wanted. I also think that I got addicted to even the negative feedback--it’s an emotional rollercoaster ride that real life can’t possibly compete with excitement-wise (at least my life as a housewife certainly couldn’t).
2. It also didn’t take long for me to be speaking in the past tense about many things--such as “I’m an artist”-well, not anymore, really--if I was being truthful I’d tell you that now I’m glued to the stupid computer all day instead. I think a lot of people on the message boards are doing this when they talk about themselves-especially when you notice how many hours every day they’re logged on to a particular site.
3. I feel like this whole experience of being on message boards coarsened my character over time. I not only eventually lost the ability to see the beauty of nature for some reason (the sparrows outside at the feeder didn’t seem cute to me anymore, after years of having seen them as adorable), but I also stopped praying a little “Thank you, God” before eating, which was something I had spontaneously done without thinking for many, many years. I didn’t notice the absence of either of these things, really, until they came back by themselves after being off the computer--after a week, concerning the beauty of nature, and after about 3 weeks, for the prayer.
4. There seems to be something that happens to your ability to interact with someone in person from posting--I felt like listening to my husband when he got home from work was becoming a real chore (something which had never felt that way previously), and it got steadily worse from there, until I had a very hard time maintaining eye contact (as well as getting increasingly irritated for no real reason) with anyone I was talking to in person. It was like I had been pulled into some parallel world where writing was the only comfortable way that I could relate to someone else--very strange. Another strange thing was that about 3 or 4 weeks after getting off the message boards, I felt like (this is hard to describe) I got “bigger” over about a day or so-it was so weird--it was a perceptual thing, not a physical feeling, really. It felt like I was resuming my normal body size--as if I had been shrunken in some way, and was now “popping back” into a larger reality-that’s the only way I can describe it. When this happened, it occurred to me that this shrinking effect was due to having been “drawn into” the computer, somehow--like I had become an extension of the machine, and was now resuming my proper place (and size) in relation to the world as a human being. I also noticed that I had become very mechanical and stiff (almost robotic) in my bodily movements and gestures, but that after about 2 weeks off the computer my natural grace of movement began to return.
5. The emotional roller-coaster ride of messaging continued even after I stopped. For at least 2 weeks afterwards I would get stomach-churningly anxious (at first it was as often as twice a day) for no reason at all, at completely inappropriate times--stress reactions when there wasn’t anything the least bit stressful going on. It was like my body was so addicted to the chemicals that were released when I was posting that it produced them by itself without outside stimulation. No doubt this is one of the biggest reasons why it’s so hard to stay off the computer.
6. I am very, VERY happily married-if I can be seduced by someone that I didn’t know hardly anything about from talking to them on a message board, anyone can--I have never looked for, or played around with, another man in all the time I’ve known my husband and never wanted to. I was perfectly satisfied with him--emotionally (he treats me like a queen), intellectually, spiritually, sexually-no complaints whatsoever. I can honestly say, without a doubt, that being dissatisfied with my husband did NOT cause this--losing my natural discernment from posting strangers (people I couldn’t see) for 6 months left me open to being manipulated by a particularly slick talker. There’s no substitute for meeting someone in person, and being able to observe their body language to get a feel for someone’s character by how they sound and act when they speak. I can usually tell (at least I think I can) whether someone is a good person or not from how I feel in their presence--you get none of this feedback over the message boards, and it puts you at an extremely severe disadvantage.
7. I had a very unpleasant experience of being attacked by 2 young men posting things in response to my posts on this site, and at the time I thought that I handled it pretty well-but a few weeks after getting off the computer, the incident came back to haunt me for a few days. It was painful-I had obviously been hurt by it quite a bit more than I realized at the time. I had somehow fooled myself into thinking that I was tougher than I really am--I thought that I really didn’t care if they hated me or not, but I did, I just wasn’t allowing myself to feel it—either that or the addiction was masking the real damage that I was incurring from the incident when it was happening. It made me think of how bad it could be, eventually, if you just kept fighting for years on end (in the belief that you’re emotionally indestructible) with various people—with hurt piled upon hurt, stored up deep inside you--having the dubious luxury of never realizing how hurt you are from all of it until the day you finally have to get off the computer (like when you’re dying in the hospital or something). It’s terrible to think of.
8. I read on a pornography addiction site that the fourth stage of the addiction makes people seek out kinky (as well as rough and degrading) sex with real people, because pictures of even the worst stuff don’t arouse them anymore. My “lover” let me know right up front that he felt dead inside (which made me want to save him, like he was a diamond getting flushed down the toilet). I think that I now know why he felt this badly--this is part of the damage long-term pornography viewing does to your psyche. One of the last things he said to me before my husband put a stop to it (after I practically begged him visit my town so I could meet him), was that he was a very bad guy (his words), and that if I eventually either didn’t like, or was hurt by, something that he did with me--he didn’t want to hear about it-he would just ignore me if I came back after the fact to complain. He was warning me right up front what I was in for. I have no idea what he was specifically talking about, and thanks to my husband feeling like something was seriously wrong, I will never find out. I fell totally head-over-heels in love with this man (and I admit that I wanted him to see me as a masochist)-I don’t even want to think about what would have happened if I had ever actually met him.
9. I also highly suspect that Mr. X was sharing our posts with other men-it’s just a feeling, but I think he had plans for me to eventually be introduced to these friends of his so I could talk dirty with them as well--he wanted me to tell him about all of my sexual experiences, and he said if he were my husband, he would let me have sex with whomever I wanted to, as long as I didn’t hide it from him. He sounded like a like a voyeuristic pimp. I hate to say this, but I’m being as honest as I can about this experience-I was actually looking forward to my new “career” as a verbal sex whore-the thought of having a group of lonely, horny men hanging on my every word, and salivating for more, made me feel powerful, sexy, popular. It appealed to all of my worst character traits (vanity especially) and played on all of my weaknesses. There is something incredibly addictive about this sort of super-charged (and unseemly) atmosphere--this particular road that I was going down, was, for me, the most heroin-like of all. I really think this is why it was so difficult when I stopped--all the crying, and feeling totally, hopelessly depressed-I finally realize what a horrible thing a heavy addiction is to struggle to with, whatever it may be-and why so many people can’t stand how bad they feel and go back to the thing they’re addicted to get some “relief”.
10. If my husband hadn’t threatened me with separation, I would NOT have been able to get off the computer-anything short of losing everything that I have and means anything to me (at least meant anything to me before I got on the message boards) would have worked-I really think that no matter how dark and strange the road I was going down became, I would have kept going down it to the bitter, bitter end-I feel sorry for all of the people who are being brought down by it who don’t have someone who cares enough about them to intervene and force them off. I’m SO grateful that I married someone who truly loves me, and that he still loved me enough even after he read what I was saying to save our marriage-because I was totally off the deep end when he stepped in and said it had to stop. He could have easily used my behavior as an excuse to get rid of me-and no one would have blamed him if he had.

They used to refer to the television as the “idiot box”-if you ask me, the TV can hardly compare with the computer when it comes to this idiot-making ability. I’ve never had anything make me this unbalanced in my life, and I’ve had a variety of mental and emotional issues, too--but this was undoubtedly the absolute worst. It also seems to bring out the worst, eventually, in everyone’s personality--I met so many people who MUST have been better people before they got involved in message boards-it has a tendency to transform almost anyone into an insensitive jerk, just like the way it made me into an insensitive jerk regarding my husband. Instead of thinking about consequences, you gradually start making decisions based on sensation, like how much of a cheap thrill will you, or will others get, if you say this or that--that’s why it so often degenerates into arguing or sex talk--more “bang for the buck”-it’s the perfect medium for developing what was once called “moral insanity”. It’s a highly artificial world that leads to deluded behavior and beliefs. You fall in love with the “sound” of your own voice-and get a charge over being heard. You think that you’re getting smarter and smarter, but you’re really getting further and further away from reality, and going deeper and deeper into some kind of self-important netherworld. I felt really important and special while I was posting, but then about 2 days after being forced off, I “crashed” from this, and felt like the most unimpressive person in the world--it lasted for 3 or 4 days and was extremely depressing. I’m actually glad I did something so stupid that my husband had to yank me off—otherwise, I’m sure I would have eventually suffered permanent personality damage. I know this sounds corny, or too extreme, but I really think that the message boards can lead, for some people, to a literal spiritual suicide if they stay on them long enough--for me, it’s the portal to hell. Thank God my husband realized that my behavior was mainly due to a severe addiction (and getting involved with an emotional predator)-and that my good track record up to this point in our marriage helped him to see that this was not my usual state of mind (or personality), which is why he forgave me almost immediately. Our relationship is now back to normal--I’ve gone from seeing my husband as a kill-joy to feeling like he’s my savior in the past two months.
Thank you for reading this-it has been extremely cathartic for me to get this all out.

Love your site,
A housewife in Texas, 44 years old

I have had my computer since January of 2005. Everyday my addiction keeps getting worse and worse. I have to keep making up excuses to my family for being online so much. I am addicted to the chat programs mostly. I feel sick and depressed if I cannot get on the computer. I do admit that I am neglecting my family, but I don't know how to stop this. I don't cook or clean anymore....it's all about the computer. I have tried to limit myself, but I just toss and turn at night if I don't have the desired amount of time on the computer. Sometimes I wish I would've never bought it. Most people say that this "computer fever" will go away...just where it's new to me. But, I am learning that it is getting worse. I want to stay on it night and day. I just don't feel good about myself unless I am on the computer. Someone please help!!!

Tonya-You really do need help-you sound like you're getting sucked into a black hole and you're pleading for someone to grab your hand before you get swallowed up forever. My post (the one before yours) is the story of my trip into the hole-my use of the computer now (one year later) is confined to checking on this site and one other self-help site to try to help people like yourself-and I get on very rarely even to do this. I am convinced, that for some people, that the internet is just way too addictive to handle-just like some people can't go to Vegas without losing everything, their car, the deed to their house, etc. You have a predisposition to losing control of you life through the computer, and you need someone else, a friend, a family member-whoever-to pull the plug for you-it's the only way, until you get a hold of yourself enough (and it's PAINFUL to go through withdrawal) that you can pass a computer without feeling compelled to waste 3 hours on it. My husband had to put a password on mine, and I still don't have the password-I'm going "behind his back" to answer you because you deserve someone to come to your aid. Get off while you can still see that you need help-I think a lot of the people who spend their whole day on message boards and chat rooms have totally lost touch with their humanity-and with reality. For me the computer turned into a trip to hell that my husband had to literally rescue me from-I was on my way to getting passed around by a bunch of intellectual perverts like a mindless whore. Don't risk your life like I did-if it weren't for my husband I could be dead by now-I'm not kidding. You're playing with fire talking to just anyone on the internet-it's no place for a sincere person-it's like putting yourself into a meat grinder. And it can eventually make YOU part of the problem-where you're the one sucking someone else into some strange mind game, but you're so degraded from your extended love affair with the whole craziness that you completely lose your ability to discern right from wrong. You realize you have a problem-now get someone to help you get off this damn thing.

OMG!!! YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD FOR ME!!!
My boyfriend and I have been together since January of this year and we met over the internet. It was love at first sight. It was heaven! We clicked and loved each other so much.NOW>>>OMG>>>>He has started playing Star Wars online and if he is at home thats where he is at. 24/7...literally...It is like I don't exist anymore. He has gotten really sullen and upset latley saying he feels I am "around" to much. MIND YOU...He had me to sell my house and move from Texas where all my family and friends were to Florida to get married.Now....it's the game and nothing else.He used to dote on me, cook, take me out to new places, have great sex, now nadda.EVERYTHING you said above about the symptoms is EXACTLEY what he has said or have done, it was like reading something he wrote. HELP!!

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